Pressure Cooker Kids
Gymnastics. Piano. Football. French lessons. Ballet classes. Soccer practice. The pressure on parents and kids is rising. Pressure to do and be everything they can to guarantee they will have success in life.
Recently my sister and I were remembering how Mom and Dad never did a lot in the way of “extra” activities for us. As I recall, there wasn’t much, if any, discussion about taking music lessons, playing sports, or ballet classes. We could ask to enroll in a special activity (and I did ask), but we understood that one activity at a time was enough. Asking to do more was not an option.
Our schedules, besides chores, school, and Sunday church, were not crammed with that many extras. Summertime was free time. Boredom was a prelude to coming up with some crazy, fun adventures on our own. Looking back, I think we were given fewer choices because there were five kids and frankly, my parents were frugal. Even without the extra-price-tag activities, my siblings and I arrived at fairly happy, fulfilled, somewhat successful lives. For a season, I took horseback riding lessons. I was on a swim team. But mostly, we were free to have sleepovers with friends, play Marco Polo in the pool, dress our dolls, run around the neighborhood, climb trees, and ride bikes up and down the big hills.
As I look at families in our neighborhood, I find myself feeling sorry for the kids. Many of them don’t have time with their moms and dads at home, playing in the park, or free time to just be. They have so much on their plates, every day shuttled here and there with scheduled activities and extra commitments. Don’t get me wrong. If you can afford it, I’m all about helping a child pursue a structured activity and learn more from coaches, professionals, and instructors about what interests them. But I have to wonder if what’s being sacrificed in the long run will be worth the payoff.
We live in a culture that says affluence is everything. Families are stretched to the max as parents get caught in the subtle danger of living vicariously through their kids. It’s natural for parents to want their kids to have what they didn’t have, and achieve what they weren’t able to achieve. But is all this activity really a means to a better life? I suppose it comes down to your definition of better.
Think about it. Many households today have more discretionary income than any other generation in history. Many people view private lessons, eating out more than eating in, housekeepers, gardeners, etc., as ordinary essentials. Middle class families of 30 years ago would never have had such expectations. A generation ago, this was unheard of.
What leads us to overspend and overschedule our kids? Middle school kids aren’t the only ones tempted to cave in to peer pressure. Moms can give in to social pressure and spend a fortune to keep up with other moms! I overheard one mom asking her friend’s five-year old, “So what are you doing this summer?”
I get it—perhaps she was just making polite conversation. But I could sense the pressure the five-year old’s mom felt. Pressure to have some special activity worthy of an Instagram post. I secretly hoped the young mother would feel it was OK to say, “Well, Johnny is building something in the backyard out of sticks and leaves, and he’s been collecting snails in a bucket. Oh, and he may just work on perfecting his cartwheel.”
Social pressure can easily produce feelings of guilt if we can’t provide piano lessons or hire a private coach for little Johnny. If you feel burdened by your children’s commitments and schedule, maybe it’s time to hear this as a gentle, burden-lifting, guilt-freeing reminder.
A child doesn’t need structured activities in order to learn teamwork.
A child doesn’t need to discover their “gift” by age six.
A child certainly doesn’t need coaches or blue ribbons to know they are special, unique human beings. If you can afford to provide lessons and classes that your children will love and enjoy, fantastic! But multiple activities and commitments can’t replace the most important things kids need.
What they do need is time with you—times that won’t fall neatly in between our hectic schedules. They need regular opportunities to be taught the value of contentment, hard work, devotion to God’s Word, a job well done, honesty, compassion, selflessness, etc.
One of the most specific passages in Scripture on parenting spells out how this should look. “You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise . . . to love the Lord your God, walk in all His ways and hold fast to Him” (Deuteronomy 11:19, 22 ESV).
I heard an interesting fact the other day. By early adolescence, children have, by and large, their moral compass set…by age 11. This emphasizes the importance of getting as much time with them as we can in these few short years.
Ask yourself what your long-range goal for your kids is. What is the endgame?
I pray that you will want to make home the primary place where your children discover their true value, that family will be the most precious relationship they know, and that home will be a safe place they always want to return to.
24 comments
Brenda | July 19, 2016
Sounds like Cathe has read Parenting By The Book! Thank you Cathe for this wonderful reminder for us moms!!!!
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Rohma | July 19, 2016
Thank you Cathe for the reminder and encouragement. I am a working Mom and would find at times so difficult to spend time with my children. I pray that I will always find time with my children, even if they're already adults. I am teaching my children to put God in all they do and even think, then families next. May our Mighty Father give me the wisdom to do this - Amen!
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Deborah | July 19, 2016
Such perspective. Such pressure on us moms. Thank you for writing this!
What a great reminder to mothers everywhere!
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Marla Mckeown | July 19, 2016
Quite frankly, as a single mom and real estate agent, spending the day collecting leaves and snails with my girls sounds like a pretty terrific day to me! I learned a saying from my grandma I've always shared with my girls; "it's not what you do, it's who you're with". The problem is, kids are not going to believe that until they see it in our lives first. Thank you Cathe for the great reminder! God bless you❤️
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Linda | July 19, 2016
Out of 3 boys we have one left in senior school. As Cathe talked about, that is how my husband and I were raised. This is how we tried to raise our boys. We had cardboard boxes to build stoves/spaceships....We had sheets to build tents over the table..... we had a sandpit.... I watch young mums fill their children's lives with activities. They ask me how I 'entertained' my boys. My advice...... you don't have to get caught up in the pressure of enrolling your children into every activity around. At 16, our son has one school sport. I pick him up from school in the afternoon and he comes home. He's often outside kicking the soccer ball around. If our other sons are home from Uni, that's where they are all found. Cathe your piece is a very timely piece. Put God 1st and all things will fall into place. God Bless
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Emilia | July 19, 2016
I agree 100% what you wrote Cathe! I just wish my daughter will read and put this into practice - raising her 2 kids - one girl is 15 and the boy is almost 13!!! What a mad rush they lived in when younger...actually things are less "busy" all the time now, that I like a lot, and we even be able to carry some conversation with them at the dinner table.
(They still sleep with their phones...and that is VERY unhealthy to say the least!)
One concerned Christian Gramdma
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Tess | July 19, 2016
I will be sharing this for our morning devotionals tomorrow. It is not just the parents who are caught in this--the children feel 'entitled' to a lot of things that I never would have ever asked my parents for. They expect so much, so young--things that I have not yet experienced as an adult--travel, vacations, electronics (plus time on them), endless activities. They need to learn to slow down, be still, know God and treasure the smallest of things as well as the big things. I am trying to instill in my children the value of family and relationships that are eternal in a society that devalues these things.
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Debra C. | July 19, 2016
Such a blessing to hear about times of old. I love the reminder of how my siblings and I would have one bike between at least 3 of us and ride it with all of us trying to find a place to sit. Then busting the tires only to have to patch over another patch. Oh what memories. Thank so much for sharing. Have a blessed summer.
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Jenn | July 19, 2016
I am grateful for your encouragement for different reasons. I am a homeschooling mama of my three precious babes, and I truly am honored and blessed to be able to do so! Living on an island in the middle of the pacific doesn't provide a ton of opportunities for every activity under the sun...except being "under the sun." I have been feeling that maybe we're missing it by not providing them with lessons and activities of every manner. They are happy with our close church family and activities/ministry they provide five days of the week, but I couldn't help but feel we should be doing more...karate? Piano? Soccer? Ballet? Will they look back and say "mom and dad how come you never enrolled us in..." I am reminded why we left the Mainland in the first place, to be a closer family for our kids... and be mindful that our time together we will never get to rewind. We don't have to get it perfect, we just have to get present. Thanks for reminding me, God's way is always best. :)
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Olga | July 19, 2016
I love it!!! In this day and age families have lost the meaning of children being children and spending summer playing in the front yard going to the beach and just relaxing! Seems like it's a competition raising kids now ... Parents now want Johnny to be the best at everything... There is a time to be a child a teenager and an adult these kids today do not get to be kids and enjoy time with family and just simply relaxing and having fun. Thank you for the article... I raised 4 kids and when my oldest turned into an adult he would tell me how much fun he had being a kid, unfortunately 4 yrs ago he passed away in a tragic car accident. I will always treasure the moment when he expressed to me how much fun he had growing up.
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Blanca Anaya | July 19, 2016
Thank you for this lovely reminder. This is the first summer that I don't take my son on vacation and I had to discontinue Kumon classes. I was not feeling terrific about that. Thank you for reminding me of what truly matters in life.
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Reina Frields | July 20, 2016
Awwww Thank you Cathe sooooo much. This is very encouraging! I once remember one of the presenter at one of our Girl Talk said paraphrased "boredom produces creativity" :) Virtue Harvest Women are very blessed to have you:) Blessings!!!
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Paula Petrul | July 20, 2016
I love reading your terrific thoughts, but is there any way you can make the font bigger once we click the "read more" button. It's tiny. I am not sure if this is just my computer or not. The script takes up only 1/4 of the left side of the screen and with out glasses and leaning in close I am unable to read. Thank you for your great words, even tiny ones.
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debbie Zamora | July 20, 2016
Hi Cathe, it is good to hear from you. Thank you, so much for sending this Beautiful Bible verse (Deuteronomy 11:19, 22 this is beautiful! I have 6 beautiful grandchildren and I always say to them keep Jesus in your hearts. Two of my grandsons use to live with me and my daughter has moved not far from me and I pray that what they have learned about God's words to keep in their hearts. I see them once in awhile and always say who loves you the most Jesus! I love them all so much! My sister and I always say sleep in Jesus arms.
Thank you, so much for sending. I love God's words!
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Carol Garcia | July 20, 2016
Thank you, Cathe, for great articles and easy/quick/tasty recipes! Love your articles. As a single working mother for the past 26 years, I have a couple of ideas that helped me through: #1: Every day I would set a timer to offer my son and daughter equal, uninterrupted time with me doing whatever they chose for their time. It kept me focused and on schedule. #2: Prioritize. You will never recapture that time with your young ones, so make it count. #3: Education, tutoring, music, and sports are valuable; but place the Lord first and last for each day, and be alert for those teachable moments. #4: There is not enough time in each day to do it all; so oftentimes cooking fresh food every day is not possible. Meal prep on the weekends; if not, occasional frozen meals and take-out is a treat and fun. #5: Utilize your commuting with the kids. I would have the kids read their daily devotionals that they would take turns sharing in discussion. Just a few ideas. Hope they help.
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Susana | July 20, 2016
Your words are very encouraging! I have two daughters. They are 11 and 9. Sometimes I feel pressured to enroll them into activities but quite honestly, I'm too tired! They are both involved in Girl Scouts and I'm their troop leader and we get a lot of time together. I'd love for them to want to play a sport or dance but 1) I can't afford it and 2) it would be a lot of work. I have a friend who is a single mom to a 9-year old daughter and is constantly on the run - she is enrolled in 5 or 6 different activities during the week! Just listening to her schedule makes me tired. She is in very entertainment-related classes so I'm not sure if it's to break into the industry, which is fine, but I know her mom, my friend, is running on empty most days. When I ask her about it, she just says she has to keep her daughter "busy". I know she is only doing what she feels is best for her daughter. My girls get the chance to be bored on most days but that's ok, because that's when they create.
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Meryl | July 21, 2016
Ahhh, thank you for this. You nailed it! For this generation and the next, all moms need to hear this. Thank you.
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Jenny | July 22, 2016
Thank you Cathe! God bless you for taking the time to write these beautiful words of encouragement. Being a parent is not the easiest and with all the pressures of social media it makes it even more stressful. Thank you again and God bless you
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May | July 29, 2016
Precious Cathy, the Lord GOD gave me the ability to teach so that I know what to say to make the weak strong.
Every morning he wakes me. He teaches me to listen like a student. The Lord God helps me to learn, and I have not tuned against Him. God has a long history when it comes to being faithful. He has kept His people safe for thousands of years.
Now my sister and I have been hurt badly by people. I have kept trying to move on but my sister won't leave the house. Please pray for her. When I heard Pastor Greg's lesson and yours, I remembered being at the Santa Barbara Harvest Crusade.
All things become visible when we are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light...Ephesians 5:13
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Vickie | July 31, 2016
Blessings to you Cathe! You made stop, pause and reflect on life and what a magnificent blessing our children are. That was me giving my boys the opportunities that I never had and we did a lot running when they were younger. We were on the go constantly and truthfully I loved for them to be involved and building new friendships, learn new things. Now as I look back and where life has taken us and our family.... if there was a rewind button- I'd definitley hit it. The time we did/ do spend driving to and from activities is priceless to me. They are still involved in a couple of things, but not like it used to be. Keeping God at the forefront is a must!
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Amy | August 2, 2016
I love this so much!!!!
I have read two books that has changed my life and my parenting!!
Concious parent and awakend family!!!
I love being a mom!!!
God Bless!!!!
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Annie | August 12, 2016
Feeling convicted through this message...thank you for sharing your wisdom. I am blessed by these words and feel that God is speaking to me today regarding this subject. It's just the message I needed...a breath of fresh air in this fast-paced, hectic, and performance driven world. Thank you and God Bless you!!
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Barb | August 15, 2016
The pressure on children is chilling. You don't have to be a parent to see it. I'm currently witnessing what my nephews are facing now, pressure. I'm thankful to know my sister is a humble woman, who is sacrificing time, to unravel what pressure has brought. It may be a long journey for her and her husband but I'm pleased that she is proactive in their lives and is learning to release them to the Lord while she and her husband do their part in which they've been entrusted with. Cathe, you have brought up very good points and I thank you for bringing this issue to the light. xo
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Cheryl | August 17, 2016
This brings other issues to mind, as well: my 8 year old granddaughter knows the Lord, but her parents do not take her to church - I do when I have her. And last time I saw her, she has gained all kinds of weight! I don't know how to approach this disturbing subject without causing a huge rift between me & my son/daughter-in-law. I want to offer to take her to learn how to swim to start with........ any other suggestions? Thank you for all of your inspirational messages - God bless you!
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