letter to my son
Christopher, your birthday falls on Easter Sunday this year, so I’m sitting down to write you a letter. Today there will be no cake or balloons, just the tender trace of memories from thirty-three birthdays celebrated from April 1, 1975 to July 26, 2008.
My mind starts ticking the boxes for what I want to write to you. Let me catch you up on all that has happened since you left us so suddenly that morning in July. If I could, I would tuck the happenings of these years into a cedar chest with all my love and ship them off to Heaven. One day, I will be there and we can unfold them together.
The tears. The joys. The surprises. So much pain and sorrow. And oh, the bittersweet growth. It felt like forever that grief would not let me go. I feared I was caught in a spiral headed down, not up. Losing you was like an amputation I felt over and over again.
The pain lingers, but time allows it to be mercifully less intense. Like the faint scent of smoke and ash from a campfire. Christopher, if only you knew about the beauty risen from these ashes. More exquisite than I could have imagined. The spiral was leading up after all.
You left us a legacy.
I will proudly tell you about your strong, loving Dad and your transformed brother, Jonathan. His beautiful Brittni, and sweet Rylie. And Allie, as cheerful as she is strong. There is little Christopher, named after you. I will tell you about your lovely daughter, sweet Stella Ann. She is smart, kind, artistic. She loves to paint and read and surf and throw a football. What shall I say about your little one, Lucy Christopher, named in your honor? She is so like you…tiny, adorable, funny, and fierce! She can easily make us laugh. And yes, Brittany has come through hell and fire, shining like gold. You would be proud of us all.
I must tell you about a growing church in Orange County that, in many ways, you started. Let me tell you about the revival in my heart to love and serve Jesus and others, so much more. Oh Christopher, the lives that have been changed!
It’s early morning as I write this. The sun is breaking through gray clouds. Wind is rising and rustling the trees outside my window. Music is coming from the living room…a Johnny Cash song…and Dad’s laughter erupts (like yours). I wonder what he is reading? He hasn’t lost his sense of humor.
I can’t remember when we actually began to laugh again. For long months, it felt so wrong. How could we laugh? You weren’t here. But in time, the laughter returned. Life is good, Christopher. The end is better than the beginning. God is good.
This is the gift we were given, in wrapping too horrible to imagine. I couldn’t bear to open it, but tenderly wrapped in all those tear-stained tissues was a shining gem…faith more precious than gold, tested in the fire. What we believed was real. Jesus is real. He was with us in the furnace. His Word is true.
Your birthday is on Easter Sunday, how fitting. Two thousand years ago, out of the cold darkness of that tomb, our Lord of Life emerged! The brightest, most glorious resurrection that brought us all a hope so certain.
We never knew how truly we believed until it was a matter of life and death.
Dangling over a precipice of grief, clinging to that rope of faith, we discovered it was strong enough. And it will hold us.
Until I see you again Christopher, enjoy my cedar chest of memories.
Sending it along with my love,
Mom
* * *
C.S. Lewis knew something of the beauty to be found in ashes and the hope of Easter. This is the epitaph he wrote for his wife, Joy Davidman Lewis.
“Here, the whole world (stars, water, air, and field and forest as they were reflected in a single mind) like cast off clothes was left behind in ashes, yet with hope that she—reborn from holy poverty in lenten lands—hereafter may resume them on her Easter Day.”
46 comments
Fred Weamer | March 30, 2018
What a touching letter that stirs the very fabric of my soul. Thank you, Cathe.
Roxy Kardouche | March 31, 2018
Words that could have come only from a mother’s heart....a mother who has been held up and comforted in the palm of the Heavenly Father! Thank you for your transparency Cathe! You have yourself impacted so many hearts n lives! I love you so much!!!
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Julia Woolsey | March 31, 2018
You are a gifted writer, your words are so moving. They tear up my eyes and give my heart greater compassion which pours to the depth of my soul, which creates transformation. Because your words are backed by God's deepest desire to love us in the worst of circumstances and give us a greater glimpse of himself!
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Diane | March 30, 2018
Cathe, your words and heart are beyond beautiful and amazing! Thank you for sharing them with us! Loved Christopher and love you!
Adeline Minor | March 31, 2018
What a beautiful message it touched my heart. We recently lost our mother on 11-26-2017, she was 95. The pain is just so unreal, a day doesn't go by that I don't cry. We were very close, some days I don't know what to do. Please pray for us. Thank you.
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Anita | March 30, 2018
Thank you Cathe
God is good.
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Lisa | March 30, 2018
As I sit and reflect on your words I can’t help but hear in your voice a Mother’s voice so full of love as you tenderly share your thoughts to your precious son. I can only imagine that the ultimate heartache is losing a child. But you are filled with such grace. May God’s continual love sustain you until you are reunited in heaven with him.
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Melinda | March 30, 2018
With a tear streaked face and a broken heart, I thank you Cathe for sharing your letter to Christopher. I’m 85 Days into a grief I never knew existed. I will continue to hold onto the rope of faith.
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Caitlin | March 30, 2018
What a beautiful letter...a mother’s heart for her son. Praying for you and Pastor Greg this Easter.
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Patricia | March 30, 2018
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful memory of your son. God bless you and your entire family this Easter season. Happy Heavenly Birthday Christopher.
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Lisa Graham | March 30, 2018
In His presence, is fullness of Joy!
This message is beyond beautiful.
God is using each of you so powerfully. The best is yet to come.
Happy Easter.
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Diane Underwood | March 30, 2018
Cathie, what a beautiful letter.
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Sheryll | March 31, 2018
❤️⬆️????
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Kathy Ramirez | March 31, 2018
Proof that He truly makes beauty from the ashes in our lives. He makes ALL things beautiful, in His time! Loved Topher & love your family!
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Jim | March 31, 2018
So beautiful, putting in words, hard to imagine. Anyone can relate losing a loved one and the Hope we profess as Christians to join them soon for life here is but a twinkle of an eye compared to the eternal life we will have in heaven with Christ.
Paula | April 19, 2018
Your letter flooded my heart with encouragement and lifted my spirit. It's been so long since laughter was part of my life, but I'm not giving up. He is the way, the truth and the life!
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Steve & Cora Alley | March 31, 2018
How can we say, "Thank you," for your pain; but, your words are shining examples of "beauty from ashes." We love you, and pray for you, Greg, and your whole family.
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Neriza Fuentes | March 31, 2018
There is no amount of words will fit the agony of losing your son. I couldn’t imagine it happening to me or anybody else. But the hope of our faith is in the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Thank you for a lovely letter. It fills my heart with hope and eager expectation of meeting our risen Lord. And yes, I was in tears.
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Ann coleman | March 31, 2018
Cathe,
I can't even imagine losing a child, I'm so sorry. Your beautiful letter to him is such a picture of the letters that Christ has written to us, his children. May your Easter be blessed beyond imagined and your heart full of Joy!
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Mary | March 31, 2018
Thank you for your transparency and sharing your most precious inner thoughts of your son, Christopher. I pray for a hedge of protection around you and the entire Laurie family. ❤ ???? You are a blessing from God.
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Talli | March 31, 2018
What a gift the Lord has given you. Your eloquent words spoken from a heart of sadness & pure joy knowing that your son is in heaven is such a comfort. I cried just the other day thinking & praying for God to continue to knock on the door of my 35 year old son's heart. He is so far from the Lord but I cling to my faith that God will answer my prayer & that someday, (maybe not in my lifetime) that he will join me in heaven. May God continue to bless you & your family.
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Loren Faulkner | March 31, 2018
Dear Cathe:
I feel the deep pain, and yet deep joy in your letter to Christopher. It is perfectly written. Thank you for sharing it with us all.
In Christ,
Loren
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Linda Thomson | March 31, 2018
Thank you Cathe for sharing your heart and some of those memories you have tucked away. You and Pastor Greg have shown us all how to walk a path of faith in that refining fire. “Those who love the Lord never see each other for the last time. “By Pastor Jeff
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Rudy | March 31, 2018
Thank you for sharing your letter to your son. It has touched my heart. Me and my wife are catholic, but very much connected to you and Greg. You guys are the same age as we are, in fact my wife's name is Kathy. I am sure that your son has heard every word on your letter. I have even been to your new church in Orange County. You are a fantastic wife and mother to your children, continue your journey and my God Bless you in Jesus name, through the power of the Holy Spirit. Love Always Rudy & Kathy.
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Eloise | March 31, 2018
Beautiful love letter ????...Tears were streaming... Missing my son Gilbert 27 who unexpectedly left for heaven 11/24/09. The holidays bring pain and joy. Thank you for sharing in my prayers ????✝️????????
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Jen Dalton | March 31, 2018
Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing your heart.
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Sonia Cervantes | March 31, 2018
I thank God for your beautiful faith and love in our God. Thank you for the example you set for us. As I read, my heart hurt a bit, but our God is real and my faith is strengthened from your story.
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Barbara | March 31, 2018
Thank you for sharing your letter. I lost my son to cancer on August 20th and the pain is still constant. I am comforted knowing that he knew the Lord and went straight to his loving arms.
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Monica E Grant | March 31, 2018
Cathe,
Thank you for sharing such deeply felt emotions that truly words cannot convey the love that inspired them. Happy Easter!
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Janet | March 31, 2018
I am an Eternity Mom too.
Our only child Matthew age 25 went home in 2015.
We enjoyed 25 years of birthdays and holidays. He was so handsome, smart, creative & humble. He was a college grad working in film. About to be engaged.
We miss the fruits of our parenting and having a daughter in law and grandchildren. Our marriage is strained.
In the past two years we have lost six family members.
It's just the two of us now & our church family.
Trusting and holding on to His truths.
See you in Heaven Mom, Matt and family. We are thankful you all knew Jesus before leaving.
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Cathe | March 31, 2018
Dear Cathe,
This is such a sweet beautiful letter that only a mother could write. I would not know where to begin but you know the exact words that make such a blessing to your son Christopher you lost way too young.
I will never forget that day. We know he is rejoicing in heaven and he is watching over his sweet little girls and family. God Bless you and Greg
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Marie | March 31, 2018
Dear Sweet Cathe,
What loving words of wisdom no matter the sorrow keeping our eyes on the Author and protector of our faith, he will always bring beauty from ashes. Thank you for sharing your mother's heart.
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Alysha Miller | March 31, 2018
Tears were spilling from my eyes. So beautiful Cathe <3
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Laura Benson | March 31, 2018
Can hardly breathe after reading this intimate, tenderly raw gift to your son! Thank you, Cathe.
I can only imagine... in tears.⚘
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Valerie Flores | March 31, 2018
This is beautifully said from a mother’s heart. Thank you for sharing this with us, you are a beautiful woman of God.
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Leslyn | March 31, 2018
Beautiful letter to your son. I cried but happy for the hope of heaven. It will be wonderful to see our loved ones again.
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Lovie | March 31, 2018
Thank you...I have a cedar chest of memories, too. One day Heaven will be full of opened parchment, hugs, and reunions of laughter. I can only imagine!
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Patricia Aceves | March 31, 2018
My son Casey has his birthday April 1st, Easter this year. What a special day. He also is in Heaven, passed away when he was 15 from leukemia. Beautiful letter Cathe...
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Robbyn Tucker | March 31, 2018
Very beautiful. Thank you for being open and honest and for sharing from your heart.
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Cynthia Gadalla | March 31, 2018
That was so beautiful and heart touching ♥️As a mothers love it’s a child’s bond from the moment you touch them. Jesus is bonding with him now from Heaven. So you know he’s in Gods arms???????? Lots of ♥️Love & God bless you & Greg????????
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Jamie Hare | March 31, 2018
A mother's love genuinely expressed. Christopher was an amazing guy. Miss him! Your words are perfect Cathe. Thank you for pouring your heart out in transparency. Blessings on you and the entire Laurie Family. ♡
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Tanya Togafau | April 2, 2018
Its impossible to read this without having the tears rolling down my face. Such a beautiful letter. Thank you for sharing your heart with us Cathe!
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Brenda Mena Rivera | April 2, 2018
Dearest Cathe:
Beautiful written. I lost my handsome, smart, kind, brave and very funny son Jacob in a car accident this past November, He was only 18, but his life reflected one of joy that comes from knowing and serving Jesus Christ.
Yes, like you said the pain lingers, like the faint scent of smoke and ash from a campfire, but "the beauty risen from these ashes". Jacob too left a legacy. In his memory we have started the Jacob Rivera Scholarship Fund which is raising money to provide students, otherwise unable, the opportunity to attend Calvary Christian School(CCS)in NJ where Jacob was a recent graduate. For Jacob, attending CCS was a privilege which helped lay a foundation for the man he became. We also have created a website which tells our story at youcaring.com.
I was so comforted by your book Hope for Hurting Hearts (I carry it in my bag all the time) and your DVD. Thank you for sharing your story. Every day brings me one day closer to seeing my boy in heaven.
In June, I will be visiting California to visit my eldest son in San Diego to welcome my first grandson, Jacob's namesake. :) I plan to visit Harvest OC and hope to see you there.
In Him,
Brenda
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Xiomara | April 2, 2018
I can only imagine all you as a mother have gone through and how Pastor Greg frequently mentions how there's not a day that goes by that you don't remember him as he did yesterday in his Easter message and I prayed for all of you. I am so thankful to God for sustaining you and the family and bringing beauty out of ashes. May he continue to take you through by his grace and be glorified thank your lives. Thank you for sharing your precious letter to your son with such courage and love. With much love and blessings to you.
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Linda Bernal | April 2, 2018
What a beautiful and touching letter to your son. It brought tears to my eyes. I remember when your son passed, my heart was broken for you two. I went to church to show my support the first day you two came after his passing. Even though we have never met I felt like I had to be there. My thoughts and prayers are always with you both and your beautiful family . May God continue to bless you all. Thank you so much for sharing. Love Linda Bernal
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Debbie Eytcheson | April 2, 2018
Cathe, I can't believe it has been 10 years already. You wrote a beautiful letter. Believe me, this is a club I wish I wasn't a part of. It has been 23 years now since Dallas passed away from a cancerous brain tumor in 1995. He was only 3 years old. I remember how you'all helped Dennis and I get through the pain and struggle to get through each and every moment of every day for that first year. Dallas was our third child, Danny and David were only 6 and 7 years old at that time. I know I will see Dallas again when my time on this earth is over. I remember Greg calling and speaking to me when we were in the hospital. I really appreciate every one who were there for my family and myself. I only hope that everyone who reads your letter will be inspired to seek out God and learn how much we are loved by him.
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Bea | April 3, 2018
Thank you Cathe for sharing your letter to your beloved son. It must be comforting knowing he is with our Heavenly Father. My 24 year old son had turned his back on God and now is a heroin addict for the past 6 years. We had no idea and found out when he was arrested. I wake up everyday fearing the knock on our front door from the police stating he has overdosed and died. I pray someone will reach his heart for him to give up drugs and be saved. I admire you & Pastor Greg for being so strong knowing some day you will see Christopher again in heaven.
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Victoria | April 3, 2018
Hi Cathe,
It's been 3 weeks since my son Tylor Pitman went home with the Lord. He was in a tragic accident like Christopher. My life is forever changed and I remember pastor Greg at the Harvest that year, how brave he was to continue that weekend. I remember praying Lord only you know his true pain. Now 10 years later I find myself broken. Even though I know in my heart he is with Jesus it doesn’t stop the waves of pain I'm feeling. Tears of joy and sadness fill my eyes daily. The time I shared with my son a few hours before his accident was a gift from God. We talked about the building of our new church, Refuge Salinas CA. And what God was going to do here. There is a dark cloud in this place that desperately needs Jesus. Refuge is a planted church from Monterey CA. My new pastors did my son's Memorial. My only request was for Pastor Matt to have Sunday morning church on Saturday for my son's Memorial . I wanted him to preach God's gospel and souls to be saved. And he did exactly that. Through my pain I saw family members give their hearts to Jesus. I know my son and we were very close. His only biggest desire, besides a godly wife that loved Jesus more than him, was to have all his family saved. Thank you so much for being that strong women for your husband and sharing with him the most amazing ministry that I had a pleasure to see and enjoy for 2 years while living in Southern California. Please keep Tylor's family in your prayers. We miss him like crazy. A hurting mommy!! Glory to the Lord Most High Jesus!!
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Cherie | April 23, 2018
Beautiful
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Phyllis | June 19, 2018
Thank you for your beautiful letter and the reminder of the reunions we will have with our loved ones in Heaven some day.
May God bless you and your family!
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