Recently, I was asked to share some thoughts on marriage and the power of our words. Communication is key to a great marriage—and as wives, we can build a healthy bond of love through the way we choose to speak to each other.

This month, Bob and I celebrate being married for 29 years, but together we laugh and say it only feels like 29 minutes…underwater! But all joking aside, Bob is my greatest cheerleader and I am his biggest fan. Not only is he my high school sweetheart, but he is also the love of my life!

Early in our marriage, I could have avoided so many tears and tantrums, by reminding myself that Bob couldn’t read my mind. Can you relate to this frustration? By nature, women tend to be more intuitive and we expect men to be that way too. But God alone is omniscient, all-knowing. Only our Lord Jesus can read our thoughts and know the inner motives of our heart. People, on the other hand, must learn to listen and use their words wisely.

Studies show that typically, women use more words than men. On average, women speak about 3,000 more words a day than their male counterpart. Do you find that to be true in your relationship?  Not only that, but in general, men and women focus on different aspects of communication. For my husband, relaying facts, information, even statistics are important in conversation. Where I, on the other hand, like to talk about people, places, and feelings.

The Bible has so much to say about our words. Proverbs 8:21 tells us that life and death are in the power of the tongue. James 3:5 warns that the tongue is a small part of the body that can cause big damage. A modern paraphrase describes it this way: “You can tame a tiger—but you can’t tame a tongue. It’s never been done” (James 5:7 MSG).

Friends, this is why we need God’s help! When our tongues are out of control, it can be disastrous, even deadly! Knowing the potential impact of our words should cause us to be mindful when we speak—in any situation, and especially with our spouse.

It’s to our benefit and the health of our marriage when we heed the Scripture’s instruction: “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them” (Ephesians 4:29 NLT).

Worthless or Worthwhile?

The virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31:26, “Opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Simply put, she has something wise and helpful to say, and she says it kindly. This is deeply convicting because I recognize how often I’m guilty of spouting out worthless words instead of worthwhile words.

Tone and Timing

Sometimes the problem isn’t actually the words we say, but the tone we take. How many of us (I’m raising my hand too) are guilty of offending our husband, not because of what we said, but rather how we said it?

I’ve also noticed that I need to be sensitive with the timing of my words. Typically, I wake up an hour before my husband. By nature, I tend to be a little “hyper” energetic in the morning. So, by the time Bob makes it into the kitchen for his first cup of coffee, I’ve already consumed half the pot—and I have all sorts of thoughts I want to share! I have learned, and we both agree that I need to wait to have any deep discussion until after he’s had a chance to catch up. It’s all about timing!

I have to say that in the early years of being a stay-at-home wife and mom raising kids, I often misjudged the timing of my words. The moment your husband comes through the door, it’s tempting to give him a download of how hard your day was and how exhausting or disobedient his children have been! I’ve made this mistake! What helped me break this pattern of poor timing was meditating on the scripture that exhorts us to think of others before ourselves (Philippians 2:3-4).

We’re not to look out for our own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. I had to realize that my husband just came home from a long, hard day too, and it was best to use wisdom and discernment with the timing of my words. I’m not suggesting we should avoid hard conversations, just think about when to have those exchanges.

Complaints and Criticism

Speaking of difficult, at times we need to have a hard conversation with ourself. Part of good communication in marriage is resisting the temptation to complain and criticize. We know this, right?

Complaining is destructive. We might say we’re just making conversation or sharing observations, but beneath it we’re expressing dissatisfaction and annoyance. God takes this speech seriously! It was murmuring and grumbling of the children of Israel that angered the Lord. It was partly the reason they had to wander in the desert for forty years!

Criticizing is also destructive. It belittles and finds faults in a disappointing way. It adds no value and seeks no solutions.

Please hear me on this. Resist the temptation to talk negatively to others about your husband—especially when you’re frustrated, sad, or mad.  What should we do when we catch ourselves complaining or criticizing? Run to the Lord! Speak honestly and openly to the One with the power to change, correct, and heal hearts, including yours.

Go to God in prayer and cast those cares upon Him, because He cares about you! Rather than focusing on what is wrong or missing, we must concentrate our thoughts on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). When we do this, there will be a shift in our perspective and our hearts!

We don’t want to be reckless with our words. Let’s give some intentional thought to the words we speak to our husband and the way we say them. Are my words life-giving? Are they positive, encouraging, edifying? Does the tone of my voice convey compassion, appreciation, respect, love?

Lastly, praying for your husband is the most important thing you can do! Pray for him daily and be intentional about speaking words of affirmation. Look for the good in your husband and you will find it! If that seems difficult or awkward, start with the little things he does every day that you might take for granted.  A simple thank-you can go a long way!

 

Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:2,6