12812_aWe share a common bond as moms, whether our children are toddlers or teens or any age in between. Our kids may even be grown with kids of their own—and that’s when loving our children takes on another layer of wonderful. At our recent Virtue Open House, we asked Rhonda Beylik (a mom of four, grandmother of two) to share some thoughts on loving your children. Thank you, Rhonda!

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When we receive God’s love, we can love others well. As we abide in Him, the fruit of His love flows out of us and it’s beyond any human love we can muster up. I hope you will take these seven A’s like a tool box of practical ways you can love your kids.

  1. Affection

Studies have shown how vital the human need for physical touch is. But did you know that a hug, or any form of simple affection, can actually change your brain chemistry? Researchers discovered that a hug stimulates production of chemicals in the body to relieve tension, strengthen the immune system, and give us a healthy sense of well-being. Hugs are important! In fact, the “hug experts” say that humans need at least eight hugs a day in order to thrive!

So, let’s make sure our kids are getting their RDA (recommended daily allowance) of hugs . . . when they wake up in the morning, when they sit down for breakfast, and when they go off to school. When your teen walks in the door at night, go ahead and give them a big hug (maybe a sniff too, lol). Some kids may not be as outwardly affectionate as others, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need touch. There are lots of ways to show affection.

My son David loved to have his feet rubbed, especially after playing sports in uncomfortable cleats. I still remember sitting together watching a movie and thud!—a big foot landed in my lap! (When did that ticklish little boy-foot turn into a hairy-knuckled man foot?) My son wasn’t a little boy anymore but he still wanted that affectionate touch.

  1. Affirmation

Look for positive ways to speak encouragement into your child’s heart. Philippians 4:8 says, “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (NLT).

It takes ten positive statements to overcome one negative or harsh comment. So give thanks and show appreciation (another “A”) to your child. Try to catch them doing something praiseworthy. You may need to get creative but there is always something to affirm. Think of it this way: behind every negative trait is a positive quality that’s being misused.

When they’re mischievious—they may also be creative.

They may be impulsive—because they’re enthusiastic.

If they are indecisive—they can also be flexible.

See the stubbornness—but encourage the persistence.

That headstrong spirit—can become unwavering determination.

That sensitive, easily hurt child—can be tenderhearted and compassionate.

Try to see what these character traits, misused in the flesh, can become under the Holy Spirit’s control. The negative behavior must be disciplined, but affirm the positive qualities to become a blessing under the Holy Spirit’s control.

Proverbs 14:1 (NLT) says, “A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands” (and sometimes with her words).

  1. Acceptance

Accept your child as God’s gift to you. Recognize that you have been chosen, out of all the women in the world, to parent your child. They need to know that you accept and love them, and that they’re not a disappointment to you. Maybe you wanted a girl to dress in pink, but you got a house full of boys. You may not have the athlete you dreamed of. Perhaps your child struggles in school, has special needs, or ongoing health issues. Love them for who they are and accept them as God’s own creation, uniquely designed for His purposes. Don’t compare them to someone else. You may even need to pray right now, “Lord thank You for this child—this unique gift entrusted to my care to love and nurture. This isn’t what I imagined it would be but I accept this child as a gift from You.”

“Those who compare themselves with one another are without understanding” (2 Corinthians 10:12 ESV).

  1. Attention

Sometimes we think we’re giving our child attention just by being with them. I’m talking about looking into their eyes, and communicating with your body language that they are worth your time and undivided attention. Get down to eye level with your little one. Listen without distraction or interruption (the same way you want them to listen to you). You can’t look into their eyes and look at your phone at the same time. Even with our adult children, “eyeball to eyeball” is a good discipline. I’ve had my grown kids over for dinner and, after all my cooking, cleaning, and the goodbyes, realized that I didn’t look into their eyes.

And a word about devices. I think our devices are the biggest threat to attention. We need to unplug—go dark! At least during some part of the day.

  1. Apologize

Have you ever lost your temper and realized your child is watching? We all have our moments—and we have little witnesses that see, hear, and remember it all. It’s okay to be human, but we need to apologize and admit when we’re wrong. You are loving your child when you do this.

I was a clumsy young girl. My hands and feet were too big for my growing body and it seemed like I was always spilling or breaking something. One night at the dinner table I spilled milk (again) and my frustrated dad called me a clumsy ox and dismissed me from the table. The wounding of those words! But not two minutes later, my father came to me. “I’m sorry,” he said, “It was wrong of me to lose my temper and call you a name. I’m so ashamed and sorry. Will you forgive me?”

I said yes, we hugged, prayed together, and I knew that my dad loved me. He said something that wasn’t loving, but I felt loved because he apologized and asked me to forgive him.

When we apologize to our children, we model for them how we confess our sins to the Lord and He forgives us.

“Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16 NLT).

  1. Ask

Someone has estimated that moms get asked 300 questions a day. That works out to over 109,000 questions per year! Our kids barrage us with questions, and even when they go to their dad, the answer they get might be, “Go ask your mom”!

I want to suggest some questions that, as an act of love, we can ask our children. We can engage our child in meaningful conversation by simply asking,

What’s one good thing that happened to you today? One bad thing?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Is there anyone at school that needs to be shown love?

What makes you feel afraid?

What do you think daddy does at work?

What makes you happy? What makes you sad?

Who is your hero? Who is your best friend?

There are so many good questions we can ask while we’re driving in the car, sharing a meal, or just sitting together. Just one rule: When you ask, be sure to listen with all your attention.

  1. Amen

Pray for your children! Daily ask them, “How can I pray for you?”

My parents modeled prayer for their children. They fasted and prayed every Monday for us. At Christmas, my father would say, “I have 365 presents for you this Christmas . . . I am going to pray for you every single day this year.” As a child, I didn’t think that was nearly as exciting as getting a toy—but what a gift my mom and dad gave by praying every day for me! I can tell you that who I am today is an answer to their prayers for me. My mom has been in heaven now for seven years, but her prayers for me live on. She left me a loving legacy of prayer.

As moms, we can count all the ways we fall short and the “mom-guilt” easily takes hold. We wish we’d done something better, or differently, or not at all. But praying for our kids is something we can do. We have a choice to be worriers or warriors. And prayer is powerful.

Perhaps you’re praying for a child who tests the limits or has walked away from their faith. May I encourage you? Never, never give up on your prodigal. I’m thankful for the mercy and growing in grace that praying for my prodigal taught me. Trust God to do what only He can do. Few are brought back through argument, criticism, or worry. You can love your prodigal without approving the sin. As long as you have breath, there is work to be done through prayer. Have a strategy to love them and pray your prodigal home.

“They shall not be afraid of evil tidings; their heart is fixed, trusting the Lord” (Psalm 112:7 NKJV).

“The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results” (James 5:17 NLT).