Missing Christopher While Living on Promises
It was July 24th, 2008.
The day broke, in the cool morning air. The sun shone brilliantly as a breeze stirred in the camphor trees that line the streets of our neighborhood. It was shaping up to be a perfect day, the kind of day on which young moms take their children to the beach, and grandmothers love to remember.
I woke early, made the bed, changed into my running clothes, tied on my Nikes. I was headed out for a quick early run. Life was good. Our firstborn son had a beautiful wife who knew Jesus as her Savior, and in the past year even her mother had come to faith. I was happy.
I looked forward to Thursdays when my daughter-in-law Brittany and her mom Sheryll would come over for a time of Bible study. “Papa” Greg would take Stella for lunch so we could pray and read together. It was good.
Our “perfect day” would last for only a few measured minutes longer, as we were about to face a tragedy that would break in like a cruel thief.
We had been studying through the book of Philippians. That morning the verse I’d set for our time together would be Paul’s famous passionate statement in chapter 3, verse 10. “That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in his death…” Little did we realize we would have a crash course on the subject. Only this time, I would no longer be guiding the discussion…He would.
My son was 33 years old. Somewhere on the 91 Freeway between Green River and Serfas Club Drive, Christopher’s life on earth would end. He had a daughter who was to celebrate her second birthday in 4 days, and another baby girl due in 4 months. Her party would be cancelled, and for many months time would stand still.
It felt like God had taken a big eraser and cleaned the chalkboard of my dreams. He would draw a different picture than the one I had in mind. The colors would be darker and more somber, the lines less straight and crisp. Thomas Merton is said to have written, “God draws straight with crooked lines.” It’s true.
It is unimaginable planning your son’s memorial service, choosing a coffin, a gravesite, an inscription; unimaginable standing in the delivery room watching the birth of his second child without him there. Every holiday, anniversary, birthday..parts of me have been broken…and broken again.
We have never suffered more, cried more, trusted more, or grown more. Getting up in the morning and going to bed at night required strength we didn’t have, and only God could give. And He did.
You may have heard people who suffer say things like, “It feels like a punch in the stomach.” I can tell you the emotional pain you face one second after you wake knocks the wind out of you. My first thought is, “Christopher is gone. It isn’t a bad dream. Oh God, help.”
The pain hasn’t gone away, it’s changed. Trauma over time hurts differently, unfolding and morphing unexpectedly. I stopped asking, “Why?” because I knew that even if I heard the answer, it would be too big for me to wrap my mind around. “How unsearchable are His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out.”
I do know the Bible is full of stories that helped me; stories of those who could teach me how to live in pain. I suggest you learn them and take notes. They flooded my mind and instructed my heart that dark day.
In the book of Acts we read the story of how Simon Peter was released from prison but in the same chapter, the Apostle James was beheaded. Hebrews 11 is full of contrasts. Some women received back their dead, raised to life. Some stopped the mouths of lions while others were tortured, put to death by stoning. None of us know how our lives or the lives of those we love will play out.
But I can say God is good. I have heard the Lord Jesus’ calming voice and felt His nearness. I can stand beside Mary, His mother, at the foot of the cross and hear His cry, “My God, My God, why…?” I can imagine the tears our Lord, too, has tasted at the tomb of His friend Lazarus, as he prayed and sweat blood, and cried alone in garden of Gethsemane. I have a God who suffered. And for that reason He is my greatest Comforter. He knows what I feel and far, far more He is able to give me strength I need every day. For this I love Him more.
Just days after the Lord took Christopher home, we received a card from Warren Wiersbe that I keep in my journal. I read it again today on the eve of Christopher’s anniversary.
“Dear Greg and Cathe,
“As God’s children we live on promises not explanations, and you know the promises as well as we do. When we arrive in Heaven we will hear the Explanations, accept them and say, ‘May the Lord be glorified.’
“Meanwhile, we continue to walk by faith, asking God to help us comfort others, lest our own tears be wasted.
“Your people will detect a new tone in your ministries, whether you sense it or not, and the Lord will accomplish unusual things. Trust Him. Betty and I shall be wrapping our arms around you as we pray for you. It takes time to digest grief, so be patient with yourselves and with the Lord. Jesus saves the best wine for last.”
It is all true.
We have lived on promises.
We have no tidy explanations.
We have accepted this, and have seen the Lord glorified in unexpected ways.
We have been comforted, and have comforted countless others.
We have not wasted our tears.
There has been a new tone in our ministries.
God has done unusual things.
We continue to trust Him as we “digest” our grief.
Jesus does save the best wine for last.
Until then, I will wait for that day… I can almost taste it now.
20 comments
Diane | July 25, 2011
How beautifully you have spoken and shared your heart on this anniversary of Christopher's homecoming. He is still missed by many here at work and your words greatly ministered to me. Your family is in my prayers!
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Gina | July 25, 2011
My husband and I were on our way for a vacation when we drove on Green River Road and saw the accident and all of the firetrucks etc. I immediately said to God, "Please give this family strength through this terrible time," not knowing it would be your family, the family I grew up with going to Maranatha Christian Academy in Costa Mesa and the church my mom held so dear to her. I lost my mother 8 years ago when she was ony 50. I had to take in my siblings to keep them from our drug addicted father and I remember thinking, "How could you do this to us Lord?" How are we going to get through this pain emotionally, financially losing everything and yearning to have a mother. I now know that the grieving is always there, but God does heal the wounds and He gives us strength in our darkest times. We have been able to help others because of what we have gone through and have learned. I thank you for your words and sharing your story. May God continue to wrap His loving arms around you!
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Vicky | July 25, 2011
Cathe, Thank you for sharing. No words can say how sad this makes us feel knowing each time the kids drive away we always know it can happen and I can't count the number of nights I have paced the floor waiting for one of them to arrive home and that relief when we look them in the eye and know they are safe. We know by knowledge alone this could hit any home anytime but never do we prepare for this because there is no way to prepare except to be glad when a child knows Jesus and lives his life for the gospel. For that we are thankful. It is sooo amazing that you and your family are so willing to be open about this tragic loss as it reminds all of us how important knowing God is and the urgency required by us to make God known to those who have not yet put their faith in Christ. Blessings to all of you! Praying for God's comfort on your household tonight!
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Jenny | July 25, 2011
Thank you for sharing. I am tears right now. I am a young mom and I had a challenging day with my three little kids today and I felt overwhelmed and impatient. After reading your blog tonight, I just want to hold my kids closer and know that they are a gift from the ultimate creator. You will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight and thank you for reminding me that each day is a gift whether here on earth or in heaven where you son is.
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Gretchen | July 25, 2011
Dear Cathe,
Thank you so much for sharing the beautiful video of Christopher and his life. Your written words too are such a comfort, and encouragement for us all who know tragedy in our lives. Your husband had a huge part in my coming to the Lord. He came to Visalia, back in 1983, to our convention center for his crusade. I went forward and was saved. I then listened to him on the radio in Bakersfield. I praise God for Pastor Greg, you, and your boys and wonderful family. May God continue to overwhelm you and Greg and your family with His everlasting love and comfort. We sure love you all! Blessings abound, Gretchen
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Terri | July 26, 2011
Praying for you and Greg today!!! Praying for comfort!! Thanking Him with you, that were not home yet. One day we will have a huge family reunion. Yes!!! Cathe we live on promises.
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Myrna | July 27, 2011
God Bless you and keep you close to his faithful heart, the only heart we can truly trust. You are a shining light in this dying world and your tears are not in vain. May our Heavenly Father surround you with His love till you see your son again.
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Mary | July 29, 2011
Dear Cathe,
I am so grateful for your sharing. One need not ever ponder as to his love, commitment, and devotion for those dearest, and nearest to him.
Within his vocabulary on the video those vows, and virtues are expressed so very clearly!
Best and Blessings,
Mary V.G.
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Robin | August 1, 2011
We too were driving that day on the 91 freeway going west bound. We saw the traffic on the other side and knew it was probably a really bad accident. I prayed for you and for Christopher right then...as I always do when I see ambulances or bad accidents....praying for God to comfort and strengthen your family and for a miracle. I will continue to pray for you guys. P.S. Greg baptized me at Lake Perris in late 1970 or early 1980's. I still get bragging rights about that. :)
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Midge | August 3, 2011
Dear Cathe
Thank you for sharing your heart with us all...............I just read this, as my daughter (age 25) is driving out the
91, and we have been having a hard time "seeing eye to eye" on things. So she left in a bit of a huff........... after
reading this I broke, I texted her to tell her I LOVE YOU, and to have her text me when she gets to her destination.
We know that life is in the moments, and we cannot have any regrets...............your message to us quickened that
to my spirit. LOVE and TRUTH are eternal because they are who God is, thank you for sharing them with us!!!
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Adriana | August 28, 2011
May God bless you and continue to guide and comfort you. You will be with your son again. Praise God!
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Darlene | September 13, 2011
Dear Cathe,
What a blessing to watch your video and tribute to Christopher.
My youngest son Jesse Daniel, 16, died in a car accident. He was driving, the only one in the car, no other cars involved. He overcorrected and hit a tree, dying instantly.
Jesse died on Jan 14, 2004, just 2 days after my husband and I welcomed our first grandchild into the world. I was with our daughter in Kansas. Jesse and his dad were due to fly to Kansas at the end of the week. He never got to see his new niece.
Jesse, like your Christopher, loved the Lord and we too look forward to the day we will join him in heaven.
Thank you for sharing your heart, sometimes reading about the experience of others helps my aching heart.
Your are right, as time passes the hurt changes, but yet remains with the memory of our beloved sons.
My husband is also a pastor and it is a blessing to share our story and know that God loves us and holds us in His arms.
Blessings to you and Greg,
Darlene
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Cheyenne | October 14, 2011
This video was so amazing and beauitful!!
I love Harvest Church and all of the sermons. I live in Ohio
and wish I attended there. You all have blessed my heart and
mind with God's Word. So sorry for your loss. May the Lord
Bless you. Keep you. Make His face to shine upon you. Be gracious
to you. And give you His peace.
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Dee | October 15, 2011
Thank you Cathe for writing Missing Christopher while Living on Promises. It is so true. I am sorry that you and Greg have had to go thru this, having one of your children die is so difficult. In the last 2 months we have buried 3 of my family members and in a couple of months according to the Dr. we will be saying goodby to my 45 yr old niece dying of Cancer. It has spread and is at stage 4. I, however, know God can still heal her if it is His will. I pray for her and I text her scriptures everyday. She has an 8 yr old adopted son that she does not want to leave behing and she is really having a hard time with this. Her husband is also having a very difficult time right now. God's will be done.
God Bless You and Greg
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Joni | October 14, 2012
Cathe:
Thanks for sharing your heart and giving me hope in walking through my own grief. Our 13 year-old son died in January of a brain tumor. When he was diagnosed, he was given six months to live. He was our only child. He loved Jesus and recorded a message. The link is at : www.caringbridge.org/visit/michaelmoede
His heart was to share the gospel and see others come to know his Savior.
God Bless YOU!
Praying for your family!
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Kathy | July 24, 2013
Cathe,
I have not heard of your ministry until yesterday when not one, but two different people mentioned you to me. Then this morning an email came to me with your link and when I read the article about Christopher and saw the date and realized that today is the day he died I am left in tears here.
My only son Rick died at the age of 30 and a week before his 31st birthday 10 years ago. I tell you, life is not the same and what a mess I am even 10 years later. The gut wrenching agony I experienced has dissipated, but the heartfelt memories stay. I too know the Lord, but unlike you it has ripped my life apart spiritually little by little through the years. I do not have the peace or the intimacy anymore with Jesus. I think I have so much anger and pain it has separated me from my relationship with Jesus. The Holy Spirit is unable to draw a person like me I think. I don't know what I can do to come back to Jesus for I think I am too far gone and that scares me.
Kathy
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Judy | July 24, 2014
Dear Cathe, Greg, Brittany, Stella, and Lucy,
I have no words of profound nature..thank you for sharing on this sad anniversary. God be with you.
Judy
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Diane | September 11, 2015
Dear sweet sister in Christ
How your written words have touched my soul. On Aug 12......2014, our lives were FOREVER changed with tragedy. Our son..... Almost 33 killed in a tragic work related accident. Left behind a wife & 4 small children. Oh my how my heart relates to your words. Our son....... A true "Kingdom Man". Impacting this world for the cause of Christ. Thank God for his love & grace. Hard to travel this new road......I read this OFTEN to motivate me to continue on with Jesus. Thank you for sharing ..... This momma needed it!!
Blessings & Grace
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Roberta Ann Hallam | February 24, 2023
My husband and I just saw the Jesus Revolution movie. My husband experienced the movement in Houston in the 70's. He was a Christian and worked with Teen Challenge. We met at a church in Houston at a singles class and married in 1978. When I came home I started looking up your information and found this blog. The note you shared from a friend was really comforting....this quote from it..."“As God’s children we live on promises not explanations, and you know the promises as well as we do. When we arrive in Heaven we will hear the Explanations, accept them and say, ‘May the Lord be glorified.’ Thank you for sharing your story and being so encouraging and real.
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Cindy Nichols | June 18, 2024
My husband and I grow stronger every time we watch your Sunday services. That profound message from a Sunday years ago when you said "I still believe". I can't imagine what you and your family were going through. I know that God brought you through that storm. Thank you for your many messages and we love and pray for you and your family. Thank you
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