A Wrecked Life, Part 3
My time in Haiti was a non-stop, painful exfoliation of the layers of sin and regret, which I had become so accustomed to wearing. The days were long, hot, and difficult. This was no cushy mission trip, we were roughing it with scarce resources, and spent most evenings surrounding one small light, reading from the Scriptures and telling stories. Despite my initial complaints, and nightly battles with the world’s largest moths, I eventually found myself sitting alone on moonlit mountaintops, in total silence, deeply mourning my demolished life. Those nights played out like a slideshow, and clicking past were scene after scene of the sordid wreckage and foul remains of a glittery mess that was more dung than gold, all of which had become the defining characteristics of my existence. I laid myself bare on those hilltops, and wept until exhaustion. I deserved no forgiveness, no mercy, no recompense for all the lost time and failed chances I’d been given. For most of my selfish life, the Lord has stood in front of me, arms wide open, patiently waiting to embrace me and remove all the hurt and the disappointment. The only cost to me? My pride. And now, as my tears fell on parched earth in a country ravaged by war and disease, I was too ashamed and disgusted by all the blackness I felt still clinging to my skin like ink. I raised my arms and surrendered all; I had no fight or pride left in me. "Lord . . . save me."
And I imagine singing broke out in the heavenly places.
"The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you in His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
Every day in Haiti, after finishing up our summer program with the kids, I would wander over to the medical clinic, where two young American nurses were volunteering their time, working tirelessly, sometimes around the clock, overwhelmed by their patient load. Immediately I was given work to do, which included helping during surgery, delivering babies, and holding hands of the dying. I never felt more alive or more certain of my life’s path than during those harrowing hours in the clinic. I returned to Boston clinging to the Lord for direction and guidance, and found myself enrolled and accepted, not three weeks later, into one of Boston’s most competitive and challenging nursing programs, a miracle beyond miracles.
That was two and a half years ago, and just recently, I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. It was one of the proudest, most surreal days of my life. As I walked across that stage to accept my pin, I thought "The Lord totally wrecked my life, and gave me more than I can could ever ask or think."
My career as a nurse is barely beginning, as I am studying tirelessly for the national licensure exam and waiting patiently to hear from the Lord which hospital He would use me most, for His good pleasure. It is a nerve-wracking time, wrought with financial instability and countless questionings—with seemingly no immediate answers, but I will wait. Temptations arise and distractions ensue, but nothing will ever compare to living under the shadow of the Lord’s wings. The life I held so dear was wrecked beyond recognition.
Dear readers, I pray you are privileged to see the Lord wreck your life.
"Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom." —Luke 12:32
10 comments
Rosie B. | March 4, 2011
Amazing testimony my young sister. Go on, go long, go forward, abandoned to His awesome future for you. What encourages me the most my sister, is your hope and steadfast faith forward while your current situation, your daily duties as it were, are not a day in Disneyland. The beauty of your new life sweetly breaks my heart. Keep on keeping on sista! Your Story inspires and lives beyond the page in ways you will never know til Heaven. Christ's righteousness be yours my friend. Peace and untaintable joy be your portion and in abundance!
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Gena | March 7, 2011
Why do you say the Lord wrecked your life? Weren't your consequences a result of your own decisions and choices?
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Ashlee Mills | March 8, 2011
Hi Gena! Thanks for your question!
Often the Lord will lift His hand from our lives, and ALLOW us to destroy ourselves in order that we, hopefully, will then recognize how dark and lonely it is without Him. When I wrote this, I was working off of a devotional I had read from Oswald Chambers, wherein he refers to seeing Jesus "wreck a life before He saves it." I believe he was referencing the Lord allowing me to destroy myself, instead of intervening, when He could have at any point. On top of allowing me to make the decisions I had made, He also allowed me to feel the full weight of the consequences: Lost my job, lost my boyfriend, had no money, ruined relationships - so that I would return to Him and hold on for dear life.
I hope this answers your question!
Redeemed,
Ashlee
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Julie | March 9, 2011
Ashlee,
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. It is beautifully written and I know will speak to so many women who are still in the midst of sin and despair. God can heal and change lives! We just need to be broken and open to Him.
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Myrna | March 10, 2011
This story needs to be published into a book. So many would benefit from all these life lessons, what a wonderful witness to the hand of God upon a life. Thank you for sharing your life's journey with us. A wrecked life is like a piece of coal that has a diamond way down deep inside... and our Lord just keeps hammering away till all the pieces of coal are gone and a beautiful diamond comes out bright and beautiful, and her name is Ashlee.
Ashlee Mills | May 2, 2011
Thank you Myrna - those last few sentences really touched my heart.
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Elizabeth | March 23, 2011
Each life is a masterpiece when surrendered to The Lord. I love the way He makes all things so beautiful.
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Amanda | March 25, 2011
I don't know if this is too late for anyone to respond to me, but this article was meant for me to read. I got out of an engagement six months ago with my childhood sweetheart and my life just feels in shambles. In a way, I've been avoiding church or going to other services I know he won't be attending. Church members either feel sorry for me or look at me like I'm Judas for breaking his heart. My ex fiance admitted to me that he was more in love with the idea of lusting after me than actually being in love with me. So then God said "You're not marrying him." We didn't really seek the Lord in the first place concerning if God wanted us to get married. Everyone we knew was all for it which just made us excited especially his mother, but she was too involved in our relationship. And to be completely honest it was extremely hard to be pure especially since I wanted to remain pure before the Lord yet I loved my fiance and wanted to give him my everything. He wasn't pressuring me, but somehow always set us up in situations for us to easily fall. And eventually he got what he wanted. But it wasn't in God's holiness and I didn't enjoy it at all because I knew it was wrong and I knew he really didn't love me for me. I don't mean to vent all this out. I'll get to my point. At sixteen the Lord revealed to me that I was to be a Missionary. I don't know when or how, but in His timing. Like in this article, my aspirations are to be a performer. I am a Theater major, yet I don't want to be famous. I just love to perform, but I doubt there's a place for me in the arts to glorify God. And I have a crazy passion for old people, I just love them. I think they're adorable and they have so much wisdom. So it hit me that maybe I could be a CNA so I could take care of the elderly, but now I have no idea what to major in. I know that to know God's plan for us is to know God's word. I think I just need prayer for discovery. Sorry for putting out my life story.
Amanda
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Tiffany | November 18, 2011
WOW!
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Lisa | January 29, 2012
I found this article while googling 'God's plan for a wrecked life' and I'm crying like a baby while I write this because it explains exactly where I am. The devastation of a life spent running from God and now I am a wreck. I surrender over and over and there is still more. Thank you so much for sharing this. You have no idea... it's exactly what I needed to hear today.
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Lori | June 24, 2012
Wow, powerful testimony Ashlee. I admire your transparency, and I am inspired with what the Lord has done in your life. I have been in that pit too, and had many of the same attitudes. It was a three year journey. Now on the other side of that darkness and anger at God and everyone else, life is like fresh air with a hint of fragrance. It's light, and warm with God's presence. Thank you for sharing. God can use this testimony to bring hope and encouragement to others.
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