A Wrecked Life, Part 2
The phrase "scraping the bottom of the barrel" is not a pretty image. It connotes a certain pine-scented debasement, wouldn’t you say? Well, do you know what happens when you continue to dig and dig, push and push, and proceed on in spite of your own filth and despair? You punch right through the wooden bottom of that barrel and hit cold stone floor, with nothing but shame and splinters to show for it. And that’s where I found myself: broken, jobless, and exhausted from fighting God with everything I had. One particular night I remember being so angry, and not so much praying as much as shouting at God and asking Him why? Loud and clear was I told to "Go to church," and shortly thereafter I found myself sitting in a Sunday morning service, agreeing to volunteer as a tutor and mentor at a youth center in Dorchester, a particularly dangerous neighborhood on the outskirts of town. I don’t know what possessed me to do it. Who was I kidding, trying to be a mentor? I mean, what wisdom was I, a former makeup artist and attempted fashionista, going to impart to inner-city youth? The correct placement of eye liner? Tales of the perfect shoe? I was the last person who would have found herself giving selflessly of her time, however freed up it was at the moment, so it still baffles me to think that I woke up early every Saturday morning and spent an hour on public transportation to hang out in the most unglamorous of neighborhoods, just for the chance to become a battle referee, a jump rope wrangler, and a hug dispenser.
And it completely changed my life.
A new friend and fellow mentor at the Quincy Street Youth Center told me one Saturday morning that she had been praying and felt that she was supposed to ask me to join her mission team to Haiti that summer. There was a small group headed to the impoverished country that July to run a Vacation Bible School for the kids living in a rural, mountainous village. Upon hearing her impressive selling points, I initially raised several objections, most poignantly that I could not go to Haiti because I was entirely too busy concentrating on the current downfall of my previously charmed life, and would therefore be a poor candidate for such a goodwill endeavor. Plus, she mentioned that food supplies would be meager, and snacks were about all I had left of my life’s impressive downward spiral. Where was I going get this traveling money, being jobless and all? What she described sounded way too . . . sacrificial. Leah listened patiently to all my reasons and passionate "no’s", looked me straight in the face, and said plainly, "The Lord told me you are to come with us."
How does one argue with that?
I was still doubtful that God was calling me to spend a month in the poorest nation in the western hemisphere when I wrote a letter asking for support, sure that the necessary funds would not come. With the help of so many generous donations from back home in California, from so many prayerful and gracious supporters, I raised not only the needed amount for my trip, but enough that we were able to buy extra school supplies for the kids, and in record time. I indeed went on that month-long trip to Haiti in the summer of 2008, and got so much more than I ever bargained for: a life completely torn apart and wrecked beyond all recognition.
"He who loves his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it." —Matthew 10:39
« Read “A Wrecked Life, Part 1” | Read “A Wrecked Life, Part 3” »
3 comments
Rosie B. | February 24, 2011
I desperately need to read this. Thank you so much for sharing. Blessings and favor for you. Love from my heart to yours. Rosie
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Cheryl Sell | February 26, 2011
Hello--
I really need some prayer and help. I have been a Christian for a long time----since I was a child---but when they gave the altar call that evening as a child, my motivation for accepting Jesus Christ was not because of His great love for me, and dying in my place. My motivation was to escape the fires of hell. And for a little while now, i have been feeling "lost" and "dead" inside myself. I just was on Greg's website and the one question he asked was---"why do you follow Jesus?"---and the first thing that came to my mind wasn't because of my love for what He did for me----the first thing that came to my mind was----so I don't go to hell. Now I don't even know if I ever really was a Christian or not---when I initially accepted Jesus as a child-----because I was afraid of going to hell, does that count? I have prayed the sinners prayer many, many times in my life since then because I'm not really sure of my salvation----I feel like I'm not saved, not really, because my motivation for wanting to be a Christian is so that I won't go to hell. It's not because i recognize the great price Jesus paid for my sins, although I do recognize that He suffered terribly on the cross for me when He didn't have to. And the other thing is---a large part of me doesn't really care that other people will end up in Hell----it's terrible that I feel this way---I don't want to feel like this---I really do want to care about people's souls. I am sorry that I feel this way. I am so scared to die---I'm afraid I won't go to heaven, even if I really am a Christian. I feel like, if I died and stood before God--He would "spit me out" of His mouth so to speak---just like what was said to the church at Laodicia, because they were "lukewarm". Part of me wants to have the peace of God, and be on fire for God, and the other part of me doesn't understand God, and is afraid of Him. Like it seems that the Bible contradicts itself sometimes----on the one hand, it says that nothing can separate us from the love of God. And on the other hand, you have the passage of scripture pertaining to the church of Laodocia---where Jesus says he will "spit you out" for being lukewarm in their walk with God. So what am I to believe? Am I one of the ones who will be "spit out" for being lukewarm? I don't want my motivation to serve God to be because I get a free pass from Hell. I really sincerely want to love Jesus---but at the same time, part of me is scared to death of Him because of things I read in the Bible. How do I trust in Him with my life if I don't understand Him or God? Please help me with this---what is wrong with me? It seems so easy for alot of Christians to just surrender and love God and His Son without any questioning. I wish I could do that. How do I get to that point?
Lisa | March 2, 2011
Hello Cheryl, Surely it is not by chance that I have come upon your prayer request. The most exciting part about this is that God hears you and believe it or not you are not alone in the way that you are feeling. In John 3:16 Jesus says: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotton Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Notice what Jesus is saying here, He loves us and we are just to believe (trust in, have faith, be fully convinced of, acknowledge, rely on). Romans 10:13 says: "For whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." Again, the scripture does not mention any requirement other than calling on His name. Loving God comes like loving anyone, we have to get to know Him. And the only way to get to know Him is to spend time with Him. My daily prayer for years has been to "know God better and love Him more", and I will pray this for you as well, it works!! There is not enough space to tell you everything that is in my heart. But Satan knows our weaknesses and he has you bound in a place of uncertainly. He is a liar - please read Romans 8:35-39, there is great comfort there. God bless you and keep you - Lisa
Rosie B. | March 3, 2011
Well put sister. Blessings.
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Cathe | March 2, 2011
Dear Cheryl,
Thank you for your comment and questions, my heart goes out to you. We at Harvest Ministries would love to speak with you about the concerns you have regarding the genuineness of your faith. Before I begin to try and respond, I want to assure you of God's love and concern about your soul.
There are many scriptures I could point you to, but first, I would say that if you have come to the Lord sincerely believing in His power alone to save you, I would point you to Ephesians 2:8. The assurance we believers are given is that it is "by grace we are been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God."
The fact is we cannot (not even because of our love for Jesus), merit or earn salvation. It is because of HIS great love for us that we are saved, and the sacrifice he made for us at Calvary proves that. Remember that it was "while we were yet sinners He died for us." When we were at our most undeserving, he loved us and gave himself for us.
Returning to the altar to pray again and again is an indication to me that you need more instruction about the taking the next steps for spiritual growth. A baby doesn't need to be born once they have been born! They need to be fed, and nurtured and taught. So too spiritual babes need to be fed a healthy diet of the word of God and taught how to walk by faith and grow up in Christ.
There is so much more I could say but it would be much better for us to speak with you over the phone or in person about these important matters. Is it possible for you to give us a call at Harvest? We would be honored to speak with you at length and help you come to a better understanding of salvation and the finished work of the cross.
Our phone number is (951) 687-6902.
Please know we are praying for you and waiting to hear from you so that we can help you in your spiritual growth.
In Christ,
Cathe Laurie
Rosie B. | March 3, 2011
Amen Cathe!
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