A Wrecked Life, Part 1
Recently, I read a daily devotion by Oswald Chambers that struck me hard. In My Utmost for His Highest, the last sentence of the March 24 entry, entitled Decreasing into His Purpose, says “You may often see Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it.” I laid the book on my lap, mouth agape, my thoughts immediately flooding back to these last four years of my life—the transitions, the upheavals, the monumental “rock-bottoms” that took me right to the edge of myself, and then beyond. It’s been an incredible journey, filled with exuberant highs and devastating lows. Sitting there in my room, surrounded by vivid memories of days long past, I said out loud to no one, “Oswald, you’re not kidding.”
I moved to Boston from my longtime home, Orange County, in 2007. Armed with little else save naked ambition and blind entitlement, I stormed the East Coast with a vengeance, setting out to prove I was strong enough to move cross-country on my own, while simultaneously pretending to shed all my dark addictions and habits with one simple plane ride. On paper, I was a Christian school frequenter and a Sunday morning tourist. I had perfected the art of living two lives, mostly thanks to the deluge of alcohol in my twenties. My fundamental faith never wavered during this time, yet it was the dalliance with temptation and weakness that allowed me to straddle all those secret fences. But because sin is crazy-making, I found myself mostly empty, used, alone, and hurting. Instead of confessing and begging to be washed clean, I was sure a change of scenery was all that was needed. Upon moving, I had no real plans for my life, except to be frivolous and wild on a whole new coast, with hopes to reinvent myself as the “It” girl of the East Coast.
I had a very specific plan laid out for myself from childhood, and on that checklist included moving to the East Coast, where I wholeheartedly believed I would become a decorated magazine writer, a fabulous socialite, and the inevitable toast of the town. Stepping off the plane, I was gleefully convinced that I was officially free to pursue the kind of life I was always meant to live—glamorous and exciting. Soon important job interviews were lined up, and I was off and running. And then something weird started to happen.
The tap dance I’d so skillfully honed for 28 years was not working anymore. Employers started asking me for specific details and evidence for how I was going to become this “star” of New England. I didn’t have answers. I got no callbacks and no job offers. I was confused and devastated. Top Ramen noodles, anger, and my unemployed self staged a silent rebellion on my couch against God for ten months for allowing this to happen to me. I mean, hello? I was super awesome, right?! He was messing up the plans I had for my life; couldn’t He see that?!
“For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future filled with hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
5 comments
Annie | February 20, 2011
I think it is wonderful that you have now seen Jesus' Light and are no longer in darkness Ashlee and you are not only focusing on what you want, but on what God wants for you.
It is not the Lord who wrecks our lives, we do it ourselves. God just takes His hand off of us so that we suffer the consequences of our evil flesh Nature much the same as the Prodigal Son, but wonderfully like Him. God's discipline brings our to heart repentance because we see just how far away from His Love and provision we are and we come Home to our Heavenly Father. Yes, life may still present problems and also those who are still walking in the flesh may hurt us and of course Satan will seek to wreck havoc, but unlike before because we have reached out to God with all our heart and so have turned from evil and do good, we do not walk alone. John 9: 31 & James 4:7-9 but we can also be eternally thankful that even while we were still sinners Jesus Christ died for us so we would be forgiven when we come to heart repentance.
Paul and the early Christians suffered 2 Corinthians 11:16-33 & Acts 16: 22-40 even after they came to heart repentance and their evil flesh Nature was put to death, but not by God's hand, He can do no evil. But because their focus was on God they were strengthened and uplifted. Paul and Silas did not sing and laugh when they were being flogged, there is no need to wear a mask, we can be real when we are hurting, but they did sing later because they knew all things would work out for good. They Loved the Lord and put Him first and so their attitude was good because their focus was right and because their focus and attitude were right their actions were Godly and so it is with us.
Christian Love Annie
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Kelly | February 22, 2011
This spoke to my heart.....thank you! God does allow the circumstances of our lives to be wrecked...so we turn to HIM!! He is always in control...always sovereign..always loving us back to Him.
Can not wait for part 2!
Kelly
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Elizabeth | February 22, 2011
Thank you for sharing this! God knows the desires of our heart ( Psalm 37) but in order for Him to truly bless us, we must show complete obedience to Him. His plans for us are so much greater than we can ever imagine! Looking back, I can see God's hand guiding me back to Him when I have gone in a different direction than He intended for me. In those times, there was unrest, hardship and pain, but once I repented and turned back to Him there was peace, joy and overwhelming love. God is jeolous for me and wants ALL of me for Himself. God is so GREAT! Praise be to Jesus, who covers us in His Grace & forgiveness!
Elizabeth
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Rosie B. | February 24, 2011
I once heard : God can fix a broken heart, He just needs all the pieces. Your candidness is refreshing and such a powerful testimony. The persuit of Perfection in my own human ability has always kicked me in the teeth. I am touched you trust Him enough to reach out and share of yourself. Thanks. God's perfect love from me to you my sister.
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Diane | March 27, 2014
I am much encouraged by reading the quote of Jeremiah 29:11 (above article ) - "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future filled with hope" - as this is the word God keeps giving me, over and over on the radio, in magazines and on the internet. He is upholding my heart in this way as I battle through a mental illness. Thank you for your article and the quote mentioned........
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